Naminé (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
charmedbymemories) wrote2013-02-24 03:24 pm
charmedbymemories) wrote2013-02-24 03:24 pm
Entry tags:
ic inbox and voicemail
"Hello, this is Naminé, you've reached my voicemail. I'm sorry to have missed you, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can if you leave your name and number for me. Until then!"
March 5th | text
♥ Kairi
June 15 | Text
We can meet anywhere you'd like.
June 15 | Text
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no subject
[Ugh... of course she did... He really hoped he wasn't on the brink of losing two friends here.]
Alright. I'll meet you there. Just please let me speak first when I get there?
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[That's all he has to say on the matter before he's shutting off his COMP and heading down to the park to meet with her. While she gave a pretty wide margin of time before they'd be meeting up, he preferred feeling anxious about the whole meeting there rather than in his little apartment.
So by the time Naminé and Kairi are entering the park, Joshua's already there in plain view by the entrance, sitting on a bench, hunched over with his elbows propped against his thighs.]
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Are you sure? Either way, I'll be here for you.
[As much as she'd love to give Joshua a piece of her mind after how he treated her sister, this wasn't her fight to fight. But it didn't hurt to double check that she couldn't beat him up even just a little...]
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I'm sure. I'll be fine.
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[She'll settle herself against a tree nearby (but not too nearby, a respectable distance) and smile back at her sister, giving her an encouraging nod towards Joshua. Once she turns her back however, Kairi's arms will immediately cross over her chest as she shoots Joshua a continuously scathing look... not that Naminé wouldn't be able to quickly sense what she was doing anyways. It was the thought that counts!! Oh the words she wishes she could say to you, mister...]
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Naminé finally sits down next to Joshua on the bench, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear before bringing her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them.]
Go ahead, then.
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He waits silently for Naminé to sit beside him and speak to him, before turning towards her with an expression somewhat obscured by the hair in his face. It takes him a moment before he clears his throat and speaks up.]
I didn't mean those things I said to you back during the Taurus invasion... I honestly don't know what came over me, but I wasn't entirely myself. I mean, I was aware of what I was doing... I suppose on some level I wanted to hurt you... but it was a smaller part of me that wanted this. A small, angry, and awful part of me that wanted isolation, that had been bothering me that whole day, and was just set off by the claustrophobia of that room.
[He pauses a moment, raking his fingers through his hair in anxiety...]
... Do you remember when I told you that it would be better if I didn't have a heart?
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Hinoto-Ri, while decidedly less bent on torturing its guests, still had similar widespread events, and Naminé thinks it's a good rule to continue to live by. It's why she can't really blame Joshua for what he'd said.
At the same time, though, the admission that some part of him actually believed in what he'd said, and not to mention that day itself...it hurts. Her being Kairi's Nobody-- she's come to terms with that a long while ago, but the thoughts still sometimes come to her in her weakest moments. Having to hear it from a friend is like rubbing salt into the wound.
Not to say she's blameless in the whole affair. She suspects that the event might have reverted her sensitivity, rocketing it as high as when she was living in Castle Oblivion, and making his comments that much worse. But either way it's an unpleasant situation. One that she hopes they can put behind them, so she can be rid of the bitter taste in her mouth that stems from a tiny niggling seed of self-doubt.
She sets her chin on her knees and nods.]
Yes. I told you something to the effect of "I think you do have one".
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I'm sure I do... but it's full of darkness. [He kind of absently touches his chest where his heart is, pressing his fingers against the neat scar he knew was hidden under his shirt. His thoughts go back to an experiment from some time ago, a painful one regarding angel wings and their seeming reflection of character. While his had been white at the very tips, they'd followed a gradient, melting into a dark almost-black gray at his core. He honestly wasn't sure what they would look like at this point. If they'd be lighter, darker, or remain entirely the same.]
It would be easier if I couldn't feel, and some part of me wishes I didn't. Opening myself up to others is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life, and sick paranoia and anxiety causes a kneejerk reaction to lash out and push people away to avoid becoming emotionally vulnerable. I told myself I wouldn't do that anymore, not after the last time I did it and I nearly lost Suki...
I sincerely never want to do it to you or anyone else I care about ever again... That weaker side of me is what came through that day.
Please don't let it ruin our friendship. I said those things because I knew it would upset you, not because I truly believed them... and I'm... so sorry, for what I said.
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It's an enormous thought to comprehend.
And it's a familiar story, too.
When she hears the apology, she turns her head, resting her cheek against her knees.]
You haven't told me a lot about your past, Joshua, so I can only wonder at what happened to you to make you so wary of making friends. But I understand you wanting to lash out. Riku was like that, too. He was always carrying heavy burdens, and it made him want to distance himself from Sora and Kairi. But nothing good came from that. He hurt them. And he didn't realize it for a long time, until Sora and Kairi opened up their hearts to him wholeheartedly. They accepted him, and he was able to work through it and be a better person for it.
[She pauses, wrapping her arms more tightly around her legs as she slowly pieces together what she wants to say.]
So this is me, opening up to you. Yes, those things you said hurt, and I'm upset about the whole ordeal, but in the end I realize I can't blame you at all. I think you're hurting-- have been hurting-- more than you hurt me by saying those things. And I want to help you if I can. I know you have light in your heart. Sometimes it just takes someone else to help you see it.
So...I forgive you.
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... You're making this far too easy on me, you know. [Joshua gives a bitter smile as he looks down towards the ground, brushing some hair out of his eyes. The smile fades, though, as he processes everything that she had to say.
When Naminé mentioned Riku, and Riku's relationship with Sora and Kairi, Joshua's mind had wandered back to the silver haired teen he knew from almost the beginning of his stay at Alpha Omega. He'd hurt Riku rather badly, he remembers, and the two hadn't gotten along for quite a while. But at the same time he did find far too many similarities between the two of them when it came to darker thoughts and ambitions. Naminé comparing the two of them only made their similarities even more apparent.
Thinking of Riku's two closest friends made him turn his thoughts over to Neku and Shiki... Which was quite a fresh wound, one that still ached and made his chest heavy and his stomach twist into knots. He'd been trying so damn hard to keep the pain of their sudden departure from Hinoto-Ri behind a thick mental blockade, because he knew if he let it get to him, he would do something stupid again. He would relapse, and something in him would snap again. Maybe he would shut himself away in his room for weeks on end again, barely bothering to eat or drink. Maybe he would lash out and hurt everyone he knew, and even several people he didn't, again, in an attempt to isolate himself. Whatever the case, he could already feel himself beginning to slip into old habits, no matter how much he didn't want to.]
... I know you want to help me, but believe me when I say that you'll just be wasting your time. Other people have been trying to fix me for over a year and a half, and I have this bad habit of destroying literally months of progress in the course of maybe half an hour. The fact that I'm still hurting others as a defense mechanism, something I thought I'd moved past almost a year ago, is a testament to that.
It isn't worth the grief. Just ask Neku.
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She makes a point to stare right into his face, willing him to understand where she's coming from.]
First of all, it's my time, so I can decide how to use it. And I want to use it to help you.
Second of all, it's not fixing you. I'm not making you my project, I'm not trying to mold you into an 'ideal' Joshua that has resolved all his problems. Our problems never leave us. But we can come to terms with them, make it so they don't hurt us as much. If you need me to help you with that too, then I can try. But what I'm...offering, I guess, is just me. I'm here for you, if you want me to be here for you. If you don't, I'm here anyways. I accept you as you are, no matter what you do, no matter what.
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... There must be some sort of irony to this. The more I try to change, to move past my problems, the harder it gets. It was so much easier to disregard my heart when I didn't have a conscience, or a desire to have friends. I never had to deal with losing them back then. [Joshua presses his hand to his forehead with a short sigh and an accompanying bitter laugh.] Moving forward feels worse than standing still, almost worse than moving backwards... It's harder, it's more painful. In the past I'd tried giving up... At this point, though, I honestly don't think I have that option anymore.
[Giving up now would mean succumbing to depression. It would mean turning his back on the world and leaving it behind. Again. He was doing everything he could to make sure that didn't happen.]
... If you want to help me, I can't tell you not to try, I can only warn you that it will be a monumental task, and I've hurt the others who have tried horribly. That I personally don't think it's worth your time... And at this point, I have no idea where you would start.
I'm really hanging on by my fingernails right now, if the fact that we're even having this conversation is anything to go by.
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Then I'll have to figure out how to pull you up out of danger.
[She pauses for a moment, glancing back at Kairi. She's certain her sister wouldn't mind if she asked, so...here goes.]
Would you like to stay with us?
[So he doesn't have to be alone. So she can watch over him, keep him occupied, just get to know him better.]
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Though it certainly isn't the first time that someone had asked him to stay with them in order to help him. The last time, though, it'd taken him several months to say yes to the request. He wasn't really sure he was going to last several months more for his pride's sake this time around...
He notices the glance towards Kairi, and he can't really tell what they're thinking about, but knowing Kairi he doubted that her shaking her head was a refusal to the arrangement. Just in case, though, and to be on the cautious side...]
Are you sure everyone would be okay with that...? I don't know if I'd be entirely welcome. On top of which I have Shibuya, my cat, to look after.
[Well despite his words, that was a lot closer to a 'yes' than Joshua was used to when first responding these kinds of offers.]
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[She pauses, and turns away, her hair sweeping over her eyes. She had hoped that he wasn't going to ask that question, wanting the discussion to wait until later, when he was settled. When she is ready to talk about it.
Out of respect to Joshua's confession, she won't-- doesn't want to-- make him worry about her. He has enough to worry about. But they are very much in the same boat. It's just that Naminé has Kairi's help to keep her afloat.]
We already have a lot of cat supplies because of Mittens, so that won't be a problem either.
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Alright... it'll take me some time to get ready, but... I suppose I wouldn't mind it. Don't hesitate to mention if I'm a burden, though.
[He'd rather be anything but dead weight, to be honest. If that meant getting more active and finding work to help out with expenses, or if that meant taking on chores or making tea in the morning, hell, he'd do it. If not for the sake of being considerate, than at least for the sake of not feeling utterly useless.]
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[She decides to take a chance and reaches out to give his hand a quick squeeze.]
The only way you can be a burden is if you give up on yourself. I can't help you that way. But I'm not worried about that, since you're so adamant to change.
October 24, Video